Final Pages.

In less than a month, I’ll be done and over with my college days. I can clearly remember myself coming here, with very few real life friends. And, then making a bunch load of them in hostel over jokes, pranks and intoxication. Posts like this one and this one encapsulate it.

It’s funny how the things I told myself before coming here are similar to the things I am telling myself now. The same regret, shame and pain coupled with hope for redemption that shaped so much of my time before coming here is shaping my time right now. Analyzing it- I can see a few outright wrong choices, but then those choices led me to good things too. I don’t know if people will miss me in their lives ahead. I will definitely miss a few. In the few days that are remaining, I’ll try my best to snatch whatever good experiences come my way, give a little love, pour my heart out to friends and drink tea as much as possible.

 

 

 

Indirect, Implied and Insane

One of the epiphanies that define ‘coming of age’ is that a huge percentage of adult communication is implied. It could be as loud as wearing a particular dress, or as obscure as using a term- to communicate affection, pain and a range of other emotions.

For me, like most epiphanies, this too was coupled with regret and emotions of ‘I wish I could do it’. Not only because, I missed many signals but perhaps unwittingly, sent out many wrong ones too.

Yet, now that I know about it- and have had some experience receiving and sending messages this way, it’s still a tricky orange to peel. Because, adults are also mad/insecure people who would be too boring if they were too clear.

**

Expressions, eye movements, tone, etc. are all implied non verbal forms. All communication textbooks teach us that. Yet, there’s more to it. Talking about a topic that is indirectly related to another person’s weaknesses or insecurities is a done thing for most competitive people. (Reminding someone of a night of embarrassment by talking about something entirely unrelated from that night, for eg.) There are ways of showing affection too this way. (Randomly bringing in a topic that prompts the person to highlight his achievements. Or if one is skillful, finding a way to repeat dialogue/line said by the other person.)

Another trick/test that tests unconscious implication (and I have seen it being consciously used by some people), is to ask a question in a group and see if the other person jumps at the opportunity to answer.

Sometimes, these implications fail to hit their target. Or worse still, you receive an implication of rejection/irritation as a reply. (Some people take it as a challenge to reverse the tide.)

Online too, this makes for interesting analysis. And, if one cares enough one can see human back stories to most things that appear inane on Facebook. For eg. Once upon a time, I saw a Friend X post a love song with ‘consolation & don’t go away’ as it’s theme on Friend Y wall. I asked Friend Z about what the logic was behind it. Friend Z said that the logic was that Friend X was Mad. Here, I had a brainwave- and said that he must have wanted to send a message to someone particular but through suggestion.

Sometimes, these messages can possess dual meanings. In the sense, that an arrow of affection (or rejection) can hit two hearts, or the same arrow can be rejection for one, and affection for another. Sometimes, even unintentionally. I composed a couple of sentences to give this concept some flesh. Here they are:

“I am sorry to break this to you but that wasn’t meant for you. Yet, I am not breaking it to you, because there’s a slight chance that that wasn’t meant for me either.”

I’d love to hear what you all have to say on this, because god knows everyone’s dealing with it.

To Bangalore, and back

I am writing this to store a memory.

5th April, 6.30 a.m.

I open my eyes to find myself sitting in an empty bus. It seems that Bangalore has arrived earlier than I expected it too. I remove my bag, and make my way out. With instructions on how to reach Indiranagar. I get down, with thoughts of arrival in a big city and how it could be home, if I make it through the interview. But, all that could wait, I had not smoked for 9 hours in the bus. I smoked a cigarette, and found an ATM. From there, I took an Auto which was obviously fleecing me, but I thought “Let him fleece. 50 Rs. if he takes more, he will have a good morning!”

7.15 a.m.

I reach Indiranagar (there’s a metro line running above me, which I mistake for a flyover) and with plenty of time on my hand, decide to smoke another cigarette before getting down to locating the place. Fortunately for me, I have a nice landmark to help me find it with ease. But, first I had to brush my teeth, and wash my face. Locating a kirana shop early in the morning is a pain. (None of the cigarette sellers here had a toothpaste.) With persistence and patience, I finally locate both a kirana store and a place where I could discreetly brush and wash my face. I give a thought, to going into a toilet of one of the malls or food joints, but find it too early in the morning. (Now, when I think of it brushing teeth behind a wall was one of the sweet memories of slight adventure about the trip.)

I wonder if I should change my shirt, or not. I decide against it, saying that it’s not possible. Perhaps, I should have let my mother do some talking, and locate a relative/person living in Bangalore- who’d offer me their bathroom for two hours in exchange for some conversation. But, I didn’t because I do not like people getting involved and working hard for my affairs. And, to disturb some family early in the morning is not my style.

I eat an idli wada sambhar in a nearby joint. I think, whether I should have coffee but decide against it.

9.00 a.m.

I sit on a bench among silence and thoughts. Observing smart men and women, in good clothes along with so many other people. Thoughts of the interview discomfort me. I haven’t prepared much. I am not feeling fresh and ready. I don’t have my certificates. But then again, a man should keep calm and deliver. Write a good test, and you’ll be fine.

9.45 a.m.

I land up in the office, only to be told (very sweetly, everyone is so sweet in this field) that I was supposed to come at 11 am. I say that I wasn’t informed. And, take leave.

11 a.m.

I meet other job aspirants from my college and discuss how cool the system is at their office. Everyone from the receptionist, to the CEO wears the same t-shirt.

The copy test is given to us- and boy is it tough. Confident, and arrogantly- I write whatever ideas first appear in my head. Thinking too much, would have ensured I didn’t write the paper at all.

2 p.m.

I am treated to lunch by the kind employees, and eat Mutton Rogan Josh, Butter Chicken, Rotis and Peas Pulao at a restaurant just below the building. The food is great and I relish it with much pleasure.

2.30 pm.

I am back in the office, and listen to jokes being thrown around by others from my college. Soon enough, the news is broken to me, that I don’t need to sit for an interview and that they’ll let me know. It stings, but that is expected- what was I thinking when I walked in there worn out and tired. (Definitely, not at my attractive best. People like to see effort being put in.) Plus, my answers were arrogant and badly framed. Still, in a way it’s a good thing, because a Bangalore based job will mean work + no money to blow up.

3.00 pm. 

I book my tickets back to Manipal, and realise that I have 6 and a half hours to kill with nothing to do at all.

3.30 pm.

Drink beer out of boredom, slowly so as to spend as much time as possible with it.    Thoughts that I have been toying with and sulking over for the past few months recur. Regret over all the things I’ve done, all the hopes that I had that I couldn’t afford to have, all the people whom I’ve lost and the sheer ignorance I have shown towards the things my mother spent on me and hoped from me.

I begin to feel skill less, demotivated and inferior. Yet, I tell myself that tomorrow is another day to work and that I shouldn’t feel so down. It is not going to bring any good.

4.00 pm.

I hum stanzas from Don McLean’s Vincent, and try to find a place to release my fluids. A different one from the place used in the morning. For adventure. (Trying to find something with a full bladder is intense.) I finally find a petrol pump and lighten my soul there. After which I locate a park, and remove my shoes and self massage my feet.

 

5.00 pm

I drink another beer. Time is slow, but it passes.

9.00 pm

I overhear a person ranting about how he was sold fake Hyderabadi Biryani which led to a ‘kaisa jalta’ feeling in his stomach. It brings a smile. I observe many more people, like the drunk man who broomed the outside of a shop to sleep on it.

10. 00 pm

I feel better sitting on the bus. And typically start staring outside at the shops and the city. It starts to rain. I do not attach personal significance to it. But, feel beautiful anyway.

 

 

On Affection

Tags

Mother

Last night, hoping to restore some calm into my life, I called up my mother. Immediately after picking up, she said, “Tomorrow and day after, bank is closed.” (She knows it’s that time of the month.) To which, I replied, “I didn’t call you to ask for money. I just wanted to listen to your voice.”

She laughed out loud, and the laughter that started with disbelief turned into genuine warmth by the time it died out. At times like these, I am reminded of what I was told as a kid/teenager often- “The day you realize the importance, and the purity of mother’s love, you will regret all that you are doing now.”

 

 

On Embarrassment

After reading a good book or a film, or after having a nice conversation or after riding a crazy rollercoaster- one thinks, “It’s good to be human.” However, all human experiences are not great, and embarrassment and shame and loss of self respect, are only a few of them that make us feel that in fact- it sucks to be human.

 

Things Falling Into Place

To have a hot water shower was one of Tejas’ favorite activities. Not only did it offer great relief to his muscles, it also acted as a source through which he forcefully manipulated his instincts. Now, his agenda was to restore some peace into his galloping confidence. He wanted to go to people, and gloat about his success and announce his victory. What joy would that be.

Yet, now that good luck was his- he tried to avoid doing exactly what his enemies would have expected him to do. They’d be prepared for it, some may even show their love in order to offset him from getting too ahead with the sarcasm. Society was the last thing on his mind, now that his account had been debited with all the debts it owed him. Meena would be happy for him though. He had acted slightly repuslively the past few months, only because it seemed as if the entire floor of his life had started to vibrate and he very desperately needed someone to hang onto and in that need, he had pulled so hard that it came off the wall and made the impact to the ground very hurtful.

With that thought, he dried himself and went into his room to wear the shirt he had saved for days now for this occasion. One look into the mirror, and he saw a beautiful man staring back at him. What wonders can confidence do, especially when mixed with a tinge of suppressed revenge.

***

Once down, and out into the real world- Tejas felt himself bigger and stronger amongst the numerous pedestrians and shopkeepers and motorcyclists that were there on the road. On most days, he had felt banal, only trying to get to where he wanted to be. Not today.  Today he felt like a diamond finally formed out of the gold. Today he felt like a champion who had after years of failing, won his last shot at the championship. Today he felt like the insanity that he felt was creeping up on him, had been knocked in its nose.  He looked at a child walking, he made out that he was in his own world from his expression.

Once at the traffic signal just before his destination, he decided to pull the reins on his mind. There would be people waiting for him, and he had to give the impression that he was looking forward to meet them. He tried to bring in a happy thought- just so that people see him smiling, as soon as they saw him.

***

Once on the set, which was a modern day office, Tejas took a seat next to the lead actor of the movie who was reading a script. Both nodded their heads to acknowledge each other’s presence.  Tejas had now started to observe people there. Very stereotypically, the heroine was late and there was chaos. The director didn’t look pleased, but Tejas was sure that once the heroine entered he’d greet her with the widest smile, and the heroine too would make an innocent excuse. Everyone knew what the truth was, but people still made an effort to lie. As if, the ability of lying well was a symbol of smartness and garnered respect.

Tejas, then felt his face breaking into a smile, contagiously as he saw Meena smiling back at him. With his head lowered, and smile intact he walked towards her. He made his hand into a phone, and bought inquisition in his eyes- as if to ask, ‘Why didn’t you call?’. Meena, shook her head looking straight into his eyes, and opened her purse. A bottle of wine, with a note reading- ‘Bitter wine, to make sure that the sweet taste of success doesn’t get into your head.’ exchanged hands.   Overwhelmed with gratitude, Tejas stopped smiling. ‘I’ve just been very lucky y’know, of late.’, he said.

***

The scene was clear in Tejas’ head. He just had to walk straight and drop a pen, near the heroine’s table. And smile, while picking it up. It was a subtle film, with loud characters. Tejas’ take was ‘okayed’ in one shot, and after a few confessions to the director- clearly with a lot of happiness, he was allowed to go home. After a long time, he’d enter without his keys in his pocket.

 

 

 

Why is it called a crush anyway?

It’s interesting how KFC have a range of overly priced (but killer stuff, I admit) beverages sold under the sub-brand of KFC Krushers. Considering, a huge percentage of people coming there are on dates- ordering a Krusher, making a face and changing your tone can be used to convey something that one might feel too vulnerable saying in simple language. (I did not know people worked like that until just recently. I never order Virgin Mojito if there is a female on the table, even though I really like that drink. Just in case, someone might take it to be too loud a suggestion.) A funny Twitter or FB status would be, “Having Krusher with my crush!!!! “

Why is it called a crush? I don’t know. Probably because, there is a need for a middle ground between liking and loving. Probably because, it’s a blunder to say I am infatuated with you. Probably because, it rhymes with brush and rush. It’s a funny world this.

Googling the issue turns up user comments which say “it’s because people you find the most attractive, always end up crushing your heart”. Some truth in that. But, if I had to give just one answer, it’s because we think that crushes can crush our pain or crush our hopes.

Or wait, is it because to call something a crush- is to call it something not so serious and unworthy of damage. Tough and confusing this is, as always.

On Memory

Tags

Memory

Unlike digital memory, human memory does not retain things as they are. And, it is not enough that the event occurred in recent past for us to have a clearer view of it.  Like for example, around 10 days back- I shared a walk, conversation, dinner table,   and tea with this person. My memory of it now is seemingly sharp. For instance, I remember what turns were taken, what all was observed in passing, topics of conversation and points of laughter, moments of doubt and points of irritability. An year later, I am sure- much of this would fade away, and I may remember it as a nice evening I once had. Five years later, I might even forget that. Or mix the memories of this day with that.

Despite it’s muddling of affairs, we often hear that time is the greatest teacher. That is because with time, we begin to look at some of our memories differently- not as events but as statement of character. For some reason, the ‘I’ of recent past, becomes ‘him’ of the time long gone. Earlier I thought complicated thoughts are what we are here (or ought to be here) to give other people- now, I know better, and realise that the primary thing we should give others is care and love.

The reverse may also happen- when we find the good aspects of our character (like sense of humor, charm, the ability to be happy by little joys and kindness) not naturally present in our current self. I read somewhere, that memories are a form of personal art that all of us fill our life with, and just as how we examine ourselves after a good film or a good book- a night with memories, or a conversation reminiscing things almost never fails to create something inside us.

Meeting the Costa Pereiras

Tags

Skype

A couple of blocks away from where I live, there is this shop which I frequent very often. The shopkeeper, a nice and kind and generous man has been a constant source of cigarettes, colddrink and occasional biscuits for over a year and a half now.

So, this one evening, while I was having mineral water (I find it tasty and refreshing for some reason) I saw a old man cribbing about how he had been given 1 GB 3g, for 250 Rs. from Airtel and now his balance was low and he couldn’t call. The shopkeeper told him, that he had been charged for internet and not talktime. My first impression was that he was a poor old Kannadiga man, who had been ripped and I felt sympathy for him but kept quiet. A little later, I found out that he had a Galaxy Tab 2 gifted to him by his son. At this revelation, I spoke up saying that usually Tabs are used for internet and that is why he was given a 3G pack. To which he said (in English), he didn’t want internet, only a normal talktime pack to talk to his son. I told him to tell the airtel guys that.

He then asked me about whether I was in the engineering college. I said “No no, I was in journalism.” He again repeated his rant about being fleeced. After a helpless silence, he asked the shopkeeper to come to his house and help him with the Tab. The shopkeeper had his shop, and since there was no one he could recommend, he turned to me and said, “You will go?” I was stuck for words. “It’s good no, if you help someone” To which the old man asked, “Where do you live?” I told him. “Oh, I live right next to your building.”

With nothing to do, and sensing no danger, I went to his house. (What a lovely bungalow.) His wife, an old lady was happy to see me, and cut her call saying- “Somebody has come to see me.” The old man introduced me as a friend. I asked for the Tab. And struggled to unlock it.

She then showed me her ID and password. And said, that it had been gifted to her by her son in Saudi Arabia. To which I said, “Ah, for Skype you need 3G. For that you don’t need talktime.” That is why the Airtel guy must have given 3G. “How do you use Skype?”, she asked. I told her that you’ve to create an account and add his son.

After which, I created an account for her. And asked for his son’s ID. She called up his son, and gave me the phone. His son told me that the account had been created and she had been added. And told me that creating many accounts will confuse people. Also, he asked whether I worked for Vodafone or Airtel.

Exhausted, I signed out of Skype after much struggle. (it automatically signed back in, and I was a novice with Tab phones.) And signed in. Thankfully, his son a certain Warren Costa Pereira was online, and I gave him a call. Surprise, surprise- the voice was too low. The old woman, again asked why it was so? I said, I don’t know. I could hear very low Hellos and Can you hear me’s?. Experimenting again, I saw the speaker option. and for the first time heard his wife’s voice. (Very nice it felt.) Then, this son told me to turn the camera on. I did, again after experimenting. Finally, they can talk!

I considered my job done. And, the uncle seeing me silent started to tell me about how he was a research scientist in Mumbai, and had shifted to Manipal. His son too was a research scientist, and was into stem cell research. Both of them were originally from Goa. I told them a bit about my family too. And left after a warm ‘thank you for all your help’. I couldn’t bring myself to say, ‘You’re welcome’ and just nodded my head.

Walking back to my house, I thought how it would make for a blog post, and how good a deed I had done by helping an old and lonely couple talk to their children. Such things do brighten up my day.

In Which I use the Webcam (Also An Update)

Another vacation comes to an end. Unlike, other end of a vacation posts, I have not much thoughts that I’d like to share about what I am looking forward to in the next semester. As for how the vacation went, I started it confident with a long suppressed sense of aggression to everything I did, made some bloopers in the middle and went into another one of those depressed phases but soon came back into my groove towards the end. The last few days though have been ‘Bleh’ and not intense enough for me to judge them.

I have been watching a lot of Cricket, and had a nice time seeing the human stories on the pitch- both in the England-India Test Series, and the recent Pakistan’s tour of India. There have been a few anecdotes, but the one that is great and slightly forgettable (hence, personal blog material) is one that happened just today. I was sitting with my right leg placed squarely above my left, reading a very old copy of Filmfare at the local barber shop when suddenly I felt a leg contacting my elevated sandals. Instictively, I said Sorry sorry and even the man said sorry sorry. Looking up at him, I realised it was my brother. Both of us were heavily amused by it.

Now, that that’s done. I will show you what I did yesterday in a fit of boredom. Which is to listen to a song on the headphones, react to its lyrics, and leave the webcam on at the same time. I thought since, I’ve never posted a personal photo or video on this blog ever, I’d post it here. The lyrics are slightly out of sync with my lips, but then that is a metaphor for my life. (Really though, it was synced well in Movie maker, but was fucked in conversion.)

That’s it. And yes, here’s presenting: