Well, for the past 3 days I have been playing LTP (loser to pay) in Pool. And so far I have been playing better than my normal self. As in, the fact that I am gambling to pay for the other guy’s share if I lose, or just play for free if I win is adding some spice to my life. Which, is totally missing.
For days, I have not been enjoying alcohol as much as I used to when I first came to Manipal. I don’t think I’ll drink again for a month atleast, unless somebody has a birthday.
A feeling of hollowness seems to be creeping into me. It’s like I don’t feel there is any drama left in my life. The whole last year, my outer self was pretty secluded, and all, but I did not feel as if there was anything wrong with my attitude towards life. There was spice, frustration, feelings of euphoria, and a constant indulgence of thought into productive things like writing.
Now, the routine is fixed. I have to do this and that in a day. Go to my room at night, listen and try to get spice from other people’s life with no story to tell of my own. I have my college fest going on right now. I am taking no interest or initiative in it, since I along with a couple of friends of mine think that college fests are a waste of time. Like the principal says in a Sharman Joshi ad, “College padhne aate ho, ya fest karne.”
As far as education is concerned, I sincerely believe that it can be only achieved by leading a somewhat private and lonely life. Only then can one be truly independent to divulge into something deep. Be it Science or Arts.
I am pretty proud of the education I received last year on my own. I did get pretty deep into it, almost to the point that if I didn’t break down or take a break, I might have slowly started to lose my mind.
Now, I am not getting educated, in anything. Nor am I enriching myself. I am just walking on like a dead person. It is frustrating. I want all this to change, and soon I will. God willing.
Signing off from Manipal,
Sameer Jha for Narratively Yours.