This is not an actual suicide note that I am writing but a part of this series.
Since, this is the last piece of writing that I am going to be doing I’ll try and make it as clear as possible.
For a long while, I have felt that my birth is a curse for others who are close to me. Obviously, when I die they will say that such mentality is pure pessimism and not true at all. But, I know for a fact that after what I’ve done- if I chose to stay alive, I’ll not only spoil my existence but the existence of my family too. There is no solution that I can think of.
It’s a sad story- went to college for more years than should have, got a very bad job when you look at the amount spent on my education, couldn’t take the unsophisticated lameness there, left the job, told myself that if I am still dependent on people after that- then I’ll do something incredible.
Two years have passed. And, the earnings spent on me keeps my family from developing as a house. My sister-in-law is apparently pissed that they have to reduce their lifestyle because of a moron in the family. Till now, I thought that all of this negativity towards me was illogical- obviously a human presence in the family is much more important than material possessions.
But today, after having single-handedly destroyed my brother’s brand new car (for which he was saving up for a long time) I no longer want to be alive. My departure will hurt my family for maximum one year, and then they’ll move on. But, my existence will doom them for their life. Such is my presence.
I can probably do some work and lead a normal life, but then that’ll definitely doom me for life. And what’s the point of just living on, anyways. Such a beautiful experience it would be to just jump of a building at a momentary whim.
I have other options like just running away to some place and find some shelter in mother nature. But, I am not too fond of animals or trees, or anything at all. I could probably offer myself for illegal work, but then I have already caused so much pain to people, that I don’t want to cause more. Enough is enough.
None of the practical advice that wise people will give looking at my situation, will help me right now. The only thing which will, is about to happen. I am already excited about seeing what lies beyond. If at all, something lies.