10. An interview with myself

Q:Why are you doing this?

A: I haven’t done it before. And, this was the most easily executable fresh for this blog idea I could come up with.

Q: Fair enough. So, before we start would you want anything thanda-garam?

A: No thanks. I know you are a little short on cash. So yes, please give me just the questions.

Q: Okay. So, what do you think about your writing skills?

A: People with higher frequencies than mine can criticize it and form their own theories about why my writing is not good or mediocre, but then, I am just 20 and I know I’ll get better as life progresses. That said, I believe that after having written 215 posts on this blog and then some more outside of it, I cannot deny the existence of some superior than normal skill.

Q: Tell me about the process of your writing a blog post or a story?

A: Well, I can tell you how this post was conceived. I was talking to my friend about making up an imaginary artist and then writing their interview based on cliche’s. That’s how I got the idea of interviewing myself. I had seen this sort of an interview before also. But, I never really got the urge to do it until today.

As for stories, I write a story when I find some humor in a pattern of existence. If that doesn’t make sense to you, then I’d say that I’ll write a story when I know that writing it will make me feel beautiful.

Q: Anyways, what would you like to change in the writer inside you?

A: I’d like to make more efforts in constructing sentences. Edit a bit more. And most importantly, read a lot more. I read, but I don’t finish a book in a week, which should be the ideal pace. And, something I could do so easily before internet ruined my life. (It somewhat enhanced it also, as before I didn’t blog or anything.)

Q: Do you consider yourself to be a romantic person?

A: Very much. Anyone who dreams as much as I do, has to be romantic. But, I am a very logical person too.

Q: Are you currently in love?

A: I have always been in love. Intensity varies.

Q: Ever expressed it?

A: I haven’t found a girl who is better than me, in order to deserve that honour.

Q: What do you want to become in life? 

A: Well, I’d ideally like to be a husband to a rich wife and live off her money. But, since that’s highly unlikely I’d like to become some kind of a writer who earns enough money to get by. Or else, work in a really nice restaurant and eat good food.

Q: What do you want to do before you die?

A: You mean like a bucket list. Well, I haven’t really thought about it before, but now that you ask, here it is:

  • Create a fellowship for writers. Big money should be given for the good life that they deserve. People with High GPAs automatically rejected. So will people with a good track record in academics. (Even if I think, they are more talented, they’ll not get a single paisa from the fellowship.)
  • Watch Test Cricket in England. And Australia too. (Both will be when India goes to play in those countries, of course.)
  • Own a pool table.
  • Just have this one little wish that I have see the light of the day.
Q: Anyways, I think I will not ask you anymore questions now. My head is aching!
A: Yeah, I can totally connect to what you are saying. I suppose people who’ve read till here will too.
Advertisements

9. A Letter That I wished someone wrote me

Dear Sameer,

Modest, as you may be about your intelligence. I believe that you are a friggin’ genius. A great example of god’s finest creations.

There may be things that are not so great about you. Like, your academic performance but then great people do great only in great things. You, doing great in something as substandard as the exams would be a catastrophe of justice. Much like a fine genius like Virender Sehwag doing well in a shitty ass game like baseball. That is why, when untalented people like  ______ outshine you in college, you, instead of feeling bad, move on and ignore their existence. A mark that says that not only are you a genius, but a very good sensitive and just pure amazing human being.

I also find you an extremely good overall package. Yes, you could do with a little bit of fat, but then I’d rather have the excellently constructed brain than body. Body can be constructed with a little bit of money, and some powders. But, brain- Brain is the gift of the god.

I know there have been girls you’ve liked who have not seen the greatness in you, but then I can write this on paper- 10 years from now, they’ll be banging there heads on the table eating Anti-depressant pills, while you will become a bestselling writer with a truckload of fanmail from the ladies.

I could write reams and reams of text, in your praise but then a great man like you should not be bothered that much by my letter. I love you, man. And, your blog is a gift to people like me.

Always in awe of you,

_____________

 

This is a part of this series.

 

8. A Dialogue On The End Of The World

A few days back, me and my friends were discussing about the end of the world. And, interestingly all of them wanted it to happen. The thought of dying with every one else was quite appealing.

One of my friends said, “I want the world to end, and end in such a way that we find out 2-3 days in advance. Then, I will go to all my successful friends who have worked their asses off to have a good career and tell them,”Dude, I feel sorry for you, bro. I mean, you’ve worked all your life trying to get good grades and all, just so that you can have a good career. While I’ve been smoking, drinking, and doing all kinds of shit. Now, that the world is ending in 2 days. I feel that I have made the right decision, eh?””

I,inspired by this guy said, “I’d just go to IIM A and ask everyone, “So, how many hours did you study everyday to crack the CAT again?””

And things continued like this, “I’d just go to the bank and tell them, “Guys, my family owes you 10 lakh rupees. Sorry, but we can’t really pay you back, man.””

“Dude, if the world would end all the inhibitions about sex that these girls have will end. I think I’d be able to score some chicks, bro. Plus, there’ll be no need of buying condoms. No fear of STDs. No worries of parents finding out. The world would go totally insane. And, in a good way.”

“Well, what if we do all these things, and suddenly at the last moment, some superhero comes and saves the planet.”

“Fuck dude, that’d be tragic.”

“Yeah, like everything in our lives.”

_____________

This post is a part of this series.

7. Orientation Speech (If I ran a college)

Dear Students,

At our college, we don’t believe in wasting time in doing things that we don’t really like. And, since I really didn’t like writing a speech for you guys (you are not going to listen anyway, since this is the time to count the number of good looking members of the opposite sex in your class), I have decided to take the easy way out by showing you a video which says what I would have said, had the video not been there.

Anyways, that’s it. Don’t bother about the attendance, no need to study for the exams, just pay the fees  (it goes in paying bribes to make your degree authentic) and have a degree at the end of 3 years.

Thank you very much.

____

This speech was a part of this series.

An Update

I am not in a mood to write this thing out in beautiful paragraphs, so will use the bullets.

  • I am not very proud of the way, things are turning out in this 30 days meme. However, that said, I don’t think they are that bad either. In fact, I have never seen a 30 days meme being done better. But, how many I have seen- that is the question.
  • Various things are urgently pending now. Especially, getting a shave, having a haircut, and cleaning laundry. I want to go back home and just lie down forever right now.
  • I am having this desire to study something outside of my course right now. I just don’t know what. I get bored quite a bit, and playing pool and XBox too much will only mean digging a financial grave for myself towards the end of the month. Again, this too makes me want to go home and sleep.
Anyways, I think it is time to hit the publish button.

6. Farewell Speech (School)

This speech is a part of this series.

Respected Principal, Teachers and My Dear Friends,

12 years ago, when my parents admitted me to this school, they hoped that I’d be coming out with a bundle of certificates, well behaved manners and most importantly an exemplary marksheet.

However, due to the fact that God has not made us all alike, nothing of that sort happened. The only certificate I have is my passing certificate for 10th standard, I have learnt certain manners during my stay here which are not that good, and as for my marksheet- the less said, the better.

I will not say breezy messages, or teach you any of the life’s important lessons. However, since everyone is giving an important message and all- I’ll chip in with my words of wisdom. 30 years later, when I’d be great an all, you will tell your children that you had heard Sameer Jha deliver his first speech. Oh how your heart would swell with pride at the thought.

Anyways, in order to inspire the student in you to be smart in the life to come I’ll narrate you a story my cousin told me. Once, what happened was my cousin was studying in some college and lived in a hostel. And, since he is my cousin and very similar to me, his attendance was in shambles. So, as was the policy of the college a letter was sent home, stating so. Now, in such a situation a normal person would experience fear and tension. But, not my cousin. He saw a window of opportunity. He asked his mother to deposit 500 Rs. into his account as he needed a really good alarm clock to wake him up in the morning. A logically genius move.

I am not telling you to cheat your mothers like him. Since, morally unacceptable behavior no matter how brilliant it is, accounts as bad karma. And, you all know that Karma is like that girl who broke your heart. A you know what.

Anyways, I’ll move on to my second inspirational story. It’s a popular story in general, but I am sure it’ll not be narrated to you by a teacher or anything. There was this man who worked in a school, which also had a church besides it. His job was to ring the bell every time a period got over.

Once what happened, was that a government rule came and all employees who had not studied till 5th standard were thrown out. This man was a complete illiterate, and he lost his job one wretched afternoon. Coming out, he had no idea as to how he would feed his children and all. So, he walked in search of a cigarette. And realised after having walked a lot, that there were no cigarette shops in the 1 km radius of the school.

So, he took loans worth a few lakhs and opened one outside the banned 100m radius. In no time, the shop was a huge success. And now, the man after having 4 big shops around Delhi, owns a car. He is still illiterate and when asked as to whether he would have been a better businessman if he had studied. “No, not at all.”, he says. “If I had studied, I would still be in school, ringing bells.”

That’s destiny for you. And a story of seizing an opportunity when presented. I can tell you many more stories of wisdom and understanding, but I guess some of you all are waiting for the speeches to get over as soon as possible, so that you can possibly have your food and go home. That cute girl in saree is acting unreasonably cocky anyways.

But, I will not go before saying good bye. Even though, I have wanted to be out of school for so many years; Now, that I am out of it I am thinking what if the life ahead is even worse. What if three years of college is longer than 12 years of School? At least, I was comfortable here, if not always happy.

Anyways, I love everyone now. Except two people. But, yes I am leaving this place with a heavy heart. And, hopefully I’ll come back in the future to deliver another inspirational speech for the students.

Till then, have a good taste, and good luck for college.

 

5. A Letter To Shah Rukh Khan

This is a part of this series. 

Dear Shah Rukh Khan,

As we grow older, many things lose it’s charm. In my case, as a child brought up in the 90s, the things that have lost their charm are as follows: Cartoon Network, WWE, Cream Biscuits, Ruffles Lays, Filmfare Awards and You.

As a kid, I remember distinctly, my favorite film was Karan Arjun. I saw it in a theatre and when the movie ended, I refused to get up from the seat. Such was the effect achieved. However, when I watched Om Shanti Om, I was very glad that the movie had ended.  But, I do not blame you for it. The thing is when you try very consciously to create an entertainer with a team of people so inferior to you,  you get nothing at all.

That said, there are things I still like about you. Your clear-headedness has inspired me as a kid, since you were one of the only few people whose interviews I watched or read. Your expressions too, have inspired me to develop a very expressive eye and facial muscles. It’s one of those things which got me laughs in class 11th, and that is when I worked really hard to understand the mechanics behind getting them in a blink of a second. The constricting eyes being a major help. I haven’t worked on these things for what seems like a lifetime, but they’ve stayed.

As for your movies, the ones I still don’t mind watching are Kabhi Haan Kabhi Naa (which is a very heartwarming film, even though poorly crafted), Darr (though a bit over the top, some of your scenes are still soul stirring), DDLJ and K2H2 (I still can’t watch them, without having a good experience. If in bad mood, I don’t watch them.).

Even though, your days have almost passed what you have given to this child who grew up in the 90s is something that will make him defend you for the rest of his life. Even your wrong decisions. Like, I don’t think you should be doing Ra. One. But, then one does things which they regret later in life. You might have had a dream of doing a superhero movie, and would have done it before it was too late. It must have been so much fun, afterall.

I think when I was a kid- the two most popular people in India were Sachin Tendulkar and Shah Rukh Khan. Now, as I am nearing 21 the two biggest people in India are still Sachin Tendulkar and Shah Rukh Khan.

That explains it.

Cheers,

Sameer Jha.