Dear Nice Guy,

Before you read the far from nice words I have for you, I think you should probably read this and feel good about yourself. No point reading this letter without reading that first since, I’ll only be using points from there.

Okay then. To set the record straight, the ones who’ll care for you won’t feel good seeing you as the nice guy.

The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores.

A classic case of low self esteem, this. Not selflessness. Thinking that other’s time is more valuable than our time. Or that other’s happiness is the only thing that matters. All for a girl, that they so dearly want to keep in their lives.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, 

That can make a guy feel like a rapist. What’s the big deal about protecting your own sense of dignity?

for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population,

Where’s your damn ego man? If you are uncomfortable to go out as a buffer, just make the excuse of having a headache or something. Going to bars and all is not a nice thing, so if you want to protect her or something, then instead of encouraging this habit just tell her to go sit at home. Or do you want to go because in your secret delusional world you are sensing this as an opportunity to make the girl fall head over heels in love with you on that night.

for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends,

Stop being a fucktard and stop trying to impress her by being the boyfriend material. Joru Ka Ghulam is the word that they use in our country for this. And, it’s not used in a very respectable context. You are Joru Ka Ghulam without even being the Joru.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it.

If you don’t know how to express your opinions point blank, then you probably deserve all this. If you are worried that if you say anything bad about her boyfriend, she’ll get protective and blame you for being rude to her bf and all. Then, so be it. Who wants to be friends with such a lametard anyway.

This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

Because you’re like a damn electronic item, which does whatever it’s told to. Who will fall in love with an electronic item.

From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.”

Not the girl’s fault. There’s nothing attractive about being unreasonably helpful. Sometimes, your desire to help might even get irritating for the girl. The girl’s are delusional when they have an image of a perfect boyfriend. But, a boy trying to fit into that delusion, is bad.

Anyway, I am tired explaining now. I used to be somewhat of a nice guy once. The trick is to know when you’ve done a favor and expect it to be returned. Or else, be cold. You may not find a girl or any success this way also, but trust me- you will lead a much more confident existence.