No, I am not going on some vacation or seeking relaxation. I am instead, planning to clean my house, and do my pending assignments (I cannot afford to have more ambition than that). I figured the best way to wage a battle against my true nature (which likes continuous brainwaves) and do these measly tasks is by making a blog post.
I’d really love to make this post a big rant on things, and feel fresh, but unfortunately I’m aware that if I do it, guilt will consume me after a while. As of now, according to plain logic, my priority in life should be to fight and have a career where I can fulfill my dreams. If nothing, I should at least work hard enough so that later in life I am able to hold my head high amongst my peers of today. Or else, my egoistic self will abandon them forever.
Ever since, I’ve become aware of things, I have longed for a source of focus- a thought to live your life by, a crisis that brings your best out, a companion who gives a constant source of drive and to whom you don’t want to lie, etc. But all I’ve found are these sources of failure- late night inspiration, this feeling of being made for a different purpose than the rest, the damned stories of artists in their struggling period, these totally lovely highs of expressing myself, the hope that someday all these years of toil and hard work of living by these self made romantic principles will pay off, this conviction that even if things go wrong (‘not being able to go to a reunion because you can’t afford it’ brand of wrong), a man like me can survive with just as much beauty.
Now, I have been conditioned to think like this. Self Help books about success make me pukish. (Honestly, I can puke. That was not figurative. I wish I could read them and be inspired to beat everyone and win the race.) Conditioning error.
I also know the kind of advice, people would give to that, and feel as if their experience and wisdom can solve everything. “Make a routine to work at least 2 hours everyday.”, “Why do you underrate yourself so much? You can do great.”,”It happens to me too when my body clock is fucked.”, “You are just 21 now. Stop talking and study.”, and the only logical one according to me, “Try, try, till you succeed.”
The reason I cannot keep trying and trying, is that if I conquer it in such a manner, a day will come when in a fit, I will make an attempt to go back to my previous conditioning. It happens.
That’s it. Enough release that was.